The Great Debate
It seems there are two types of person on this planet. Those who wipe their arse sitting down and those who stand. Up until a few months ago, I thought there was only one way to clean your posterior so it came as quite a surprise to me to learn there was such a strong following who disagreed with my choice. Over several deadlocked discussions in public houses and even the workplace, the most popular choice was not clear. Each side arguing the points for their case, and each side refusing to accept they were wrong.
Living in the democracy that we do, the only way to decide this argument was to put it to the popular vote. It became evident that a more statistically sound method than drunken pub banter was required. So, I took upon myself to create an online poll, to decide finally, which method was best. If this is a topic you feel strongly about please participate now, or view the latest results.
Update: the results are in and we have a winner. The turnout was fantastic, thanks to everyone who participated! In conclusion it was quite a clear-cut win for the sitters. It looked at one point as if it was going to be a complete white wash but thanks to a last gasp effort by the standers, it finished more respectable.
And the results are…
|
Sitters |
|
69.8% | 74 |
|
Standers |
|
30.2% | 32 |
In total 106 people voted in this poll.
What follows in the comments section is an overview of a chain of emails that took place not soon, after the results became known.
March 17th, 2005 at 7:47 am
Firstly I am here campaigning for the movement “Standing whilst Wiping”. Am appalled that so far the filth of society and their dirty ways are winning the great vote. I am currently trying to get the website www.hopkins81.com closed down as it is obviously a forum (judging by the results) for a group of warped people and there deviant and obscene behaviour.
March 17th, 2005 at 7:50 am
I just wanted to e-mail to commend you and support “Standing Whilst Wiping”.
I, for one, think that with this corrupt vote we may well have our very own Wiper-gate Conspiracy.
March 17th, 2005 at 7:50 am
I second or third what the wise Matt’s have just said. And i am sure Neil would agree too.
March 17th, 2005 at 7:52 am
I think the poll is fixed as well, theres no way there is 30ish standers out here!
March 17th, 2005 at 7:52 am
Lol. Touche. Suppose its not that surprising really. 1 in 3 people in the world are sane. Thats a lot better ratio than the women of the Green Man.
Well, if you need to spice up your bowel movements, try this! Take a dump while standing on the toilet seat . . . one foot on each side of the pot. It’s pretty fun. I’ve only done it once after a conversation with my friends . . . apparently I was the only one who hadn’t tried it. You feel like you’re dropping bombs.
March 17th, 2005 at 7:53 am
Lets look at some evidence and design, THE TOILET this is a major plus point for sitting, just by looking at the dimensions and shape we can see that this sophisticated tool was designed with sitters in mind(toilet Height -450mm W-400mm L-550mm all sizes aprox) Many of you stander’s will now be thinking “just one moment I think Prof Nick thinks we stand whilst s******g” and yes It may look as if I am suggesting this but if you actually think I am (suggesting this)then I would like you to dial emergency services and ask for the closest mental Hospital then go book yourself in ASAP.
March 17th, 2005 at 7:53 am
Sykes, I am standing right now, but only to applaud you. You, Sir Prof, truly are a man of hidden scientific knowledge. Until now, it has been very, very well hidden.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:02 am
Nick, you seem to be jumping to conclusions and declaring that they are facts to prove that sitters are right. They are not.
Your assumption regarding the size of the toilet neglects the varying sizes and shapes of the human race.
Your statement that if a toilet was designed with wiping in mind it would be higher is absurd, for a start rising the height of the toilet would make it into a sitters toilet, therefore not a standers toilet. And a higher toilet would mean many short people and children would not be able to use it. The toilet does not need to be designed for standing, the entire HUMAN BODY is designed for standing.
The toilet paper is situated where it is so that toilet paper can be removed before standing, do you think that standers would prefer the paper 6ft up the wall or hanging from the ceiling on a piece of string? The toilet paper must be accessible to all.
Anything that has been designed specifically for sitting or standing will obviously have been designed to the specifications of however the designer wiped, so it would be a one sided creation.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:02 am
>The toilet paper is situated where it is so that toilet paper can be
>removed before standing,
By this reasoning you are suggesting that standers only actually wipe their rear once per shit. This only confirms my suspicions that standers are less clean beings.
And the insane route that Mr Kelly seems to be going to of standing while actually shitting shows the people we are up against. Is it just defiance or is it some sort of quest that the standers are on to make every aspect of their lives a standing one?
>> the entire HUMAN BODY is designed for standing.
How long before we see these people standing at their desks working on their computers or perhaps trying to drive while standing up? I can see this escalating into madness, tribes of Neanderthals will start to prowl the streets looking for anyone sitting. Restaurants will no longer be safe, car seats will be ripped from their vehicles, and sofa shops will be terrorized and looted. Sitters we must unite and quash the uprising before it gets out of hand.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:05 am
Take for instance two advances in the field of arse wiping,
1) The bidet , For those of you who don’t know, this is a basin for washing your anal area after excretion. To use such a tool, you would have to be sitting down over the bidet in order for correct operation, due to fact that if you tried to use it whilst standing 1) water would go everywhere, 2) your arse would still be full of excretion due to the fact that the water could not penetrate the clinched cheeks., So to use a bidet, you must be sitting.
2) The new era of Japanese toilets actually have a motorized low voltage DC motorized jet spray, after excretion. You push a button and the motorized arm drives out and gives a spray of warm water.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:15 am
The bidet for a start is not a toilet. This contraption is a bowl which will collect whatever water is used to wash (wash not wipe) your arse. I do agree that to use a bidet you must sit down but this is changing the debate. We are discussing which is the best way to wipe your own arse, if you were using a bidet then you would not be wiping. If you want to sit….use a bidet.
As for your Japenese toilet… This is not just a toilet but a toilet with a built in bidet (see above argument regarding bidet). And also, its a machine for washing someones arse. Having a machine do it for you is, once again, not wiping your own arse and is therefore irrelevant. The Japenese have Karaoke bars but I don’t see you telling everyone that we should go down for a singalong instead of going to a pub. Just because something
exists does not make it right.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:16 am
Besides this WHOLE discussion is irrelavent. At the start of the poll I stated the very fact that this argument was a never ending one and the only way to settle it was to see which was most popular. The sitters have won, we are the majority, you are the losers, you are wrong!
March 17th, 2005 at 8:16 am
The poll clearly indicates that more people remain sitting down to wipe their bums than stand up to do it. There were also a lot more people in Germany who supported Hitler at the time than there were who didn’t.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:16 am
to the rest of you, the sitters won, you sad warpped individuals lost STOP MOANING AND DEAL WITH IT, we’re not asking you to change the way you wipe just realise that you do it wrong from the majority of the population, for whatever sad reason.
March 17th, 2005 at 8:16 am
Although i’m all for standing Hitler only achieved a maximum of about 37% support in any election, a sustantial proportion but not a majority. There are millions of examples of majorities being wrong though and this is definately one of them
March 17th, 2005 at 8:16 am
Can you please do these emails via my hotmail address and not my work.
Thanks